When I grow up.

I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. Those who knew me as a child can corroborate. I had talent. I had interest. I did not have drive. I was lost in a world full of hope and dreams and reality checks.

Years later I still want to be an artist. I still have talent (not to toot my own horn, but it’s there ready to be nurtured and cultivated.) And I still live with a heavy dose of reality checks. I’m a graphic designer, that’s pretty darn close to being an artist. But in my mind, it’s not quite there.

I’m a girl with many hobbies. After spending years writing 20K words here and 10K words there I finally finished one of the stories. My first draft of my first book, coming in at 138K. It was called the Prince and the Swordmaster then. Creative, right? Just a little love story, with lots of sword fighting and magic about an elf who found herself falling in love with the son of her enemy. Romeo and Juliet style, complete with tragic ending.

I finished that draft on February 22nd, 2021, then less than two months later I turned 40.

That was a fun year. The latter part was plagued with a health emergency that taught me how to ask for help and let things slide and smell the roses and take the naps. It taught me that life is freakin short—nothing is guaranteed, AND, that I have the most amazing family and friends imaginable. I mean, in reality I enjoyed 40… except for that week in ICU and the two months of recovery. 2021 can have that back. 

I digress, I finished that first draft, and immediately dove into development editing. Draft two was a dumpster fire, but I did something I’d never done in my entire life. EVER. I let someone else read my dumpster fire. In fact, I let four people read my dumpster fire. And the most shocking… all four of them liked it. It wasn’t as bad as I was thinking it was. Don’t get me wrong! It needed work. But it was maybe less a dumpster fire and more a hot piece of garbage, with a fire extinguisher on the wall beside it.

I had hope and dreams… and immediately more reality checks.

I started trying to figure out what to do with it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know the tricks of the trade. I had no clue what a filter word was, what deep third POV meant. What POV (point of view) stood for or HEA (happily ever after)! I had never heard of alpha and beta readers and CPs (critique partners). I had no clue what a three act story structure was or why it worked so well in movies and books. I had never heard of universal fantasy, or tropes, or why YA is YA and not NA and wtf YA (Young Adult) and NA (New Adult) stood for. Why YA, NA, Adult, and Middle Grade are technically categories and not genres (fight me!)

I had A LOT to learn. And I was 40 and not sure I was interested in learning something new. UGH!

A friend told me to get myself into some Facebook groups. That combined with my new found curiosity of Instagram, I started networking with some incredible indie authors. I started devouring YouTube videos about how to get a publishing deal, and then how hard it was to get a publishing deal, and then stuff about the querying trenches, and what went into self publishing, and marketing your own books. 

The expectation I started with was so far removed from the reality that is actually getting a book deal. At some point I decided it wasn’t worth my sanity. After all, I have a solid career in graphic design… this writing thing is my hobby! And it is, but as I’ve learned more, created more, challenged myself more, I’m finding that it’s so much MORE than just a hobby.

It’s a definition. I’m a writer. I can call myself that now. Twelve drafts later (yes twelve, I just freakin counted, UGH!) I have finally sent this piece of hot garbage to beta readers. As of the moment I’m writing this, I haven’t received any feedback, other than one person's comments that show up on the google doc (he always makes me feel amazing about myself!! Thank you Zaid!) 

I’m about to dive into things that are significantly more serious than just dabbling with a hobby. I’m about to try and share it with the world… and I’m about to charge money for it?

This is hard for me. I’m the type of person who will just make a logo for you, help you with your charity fundraiser stuff, create a T-shirt design for your band group. So charging for my book is going to be hard, and yet at the same time, there’s part of me that’s excited! Excited to be a freakin PUBLISHED author! (WHUUUUUT!)

I know I won’t sell many copies. Not at first, if ever. In fact, I know I won’t be famous, but I will be one thing. I’ll be a writer. I’ll be a graphic designer. I’ll be a girl who loves to write about characters getting into sword fights and falling in love.

And someday, I’ll be an artist.